Thursday, July 1, 2010

Terrible Thursday: The Marine (2006)

If you don’t who John Cena is I envy you. I can say that once I started seeing him regularly on T.V. I became extremely irritated. For those who don’t know who John Cena is he is a wrestler who works for World Wrestling Entertainment, WWE (formerly the WWF…I still call it the WWF because that’s how I like to remember the awesomeness it once projected.) In short, John Cena is a plague that has contributed to the downfall of the world of professional wrestling. For starters, his image is awful. I’m sorry I’ve seen a lot of wrestling gimmicks in my time…many good, some bad, but this may be the worst. I can’t buy into a white toast muscle head who rocks a 90’s flat top and tries to be a rapper/thug. It just doesn’t work for me or the majority of true wrestling fans. His charisma and microphone abilities are completely shit. As for his wrestling abilities…average at best. I don’t understand how someone like this could be loved by the young generation of wrestling fans. It just baffles my mind and makes me worry about the youth of America. It’s because he’s so loved by his fans and was the “top” wrestler in the business, which got him this film. I should also include that WWE owner Vince McMahon had something to do with it. Ahh, Vince McMahon he’s the biggest weasel of them all who has no sense of morals, integrity, or loyalty. When you look at McMahon you are clearly seeing a person who sold his soul to the almighty dollar. He is so desperately aching to break into the Hollywood scene that he’ll fully fund the movie in hopes that Hollywood will except him and his army of soap opera characters. I know you’re probably wondering why I’m droning on about wrestling and bashing certain people within it and not about the movie. I’m sorry I just had to state a PIECE of my mind.

The Marine is definitely in the top 50 worst movies of all time. Perhaps in the top 25. First of all this film, and I hesitate to call it a film, should have never starred John Cena or been released in theaters. The Marine is really a straight to DVD type of movie. The script itself is not completely horrible but having Cena as the star makes it unbearable. Cena plays John Triton a recently discharged Marine whose wife was in the wrong place at the wrong time and kidnapped by diamond thieves headed by Robert Patrick (the T1000 from T2…I know what you’re thinking I’ll get to him in a minute). Cena immediately sets out on a mission through the backlands of some southern state to rescue her. Hunting and killing each henchman he finally gets to his wife and saves her. In between the dreadfully painful dialogue and acting are these ridiculous action sequences such as car chases, blown up buildings, and shitty choreographed fights. Watching John Cena wrestle is blinding to my eyes as it is but having to bear witness to him fighting as an actor is just too much. Another thing I hate about this movie or any movie or show for that matter is that he has the same name as the character. I can’t stand people who go along with that and it screams that they have an inability to answer to anything else. When an actor agrees to do this they’re putting themselves in the same intellectual category as Tony Danza and Joey Lawrence…yea because that’s a star worth reaching for. As for Robert Patrick what the shit happened to this guys career? He was the T1000 for fucks sake. I can remember watching T2 as child and sensing his characters lack of emotion and determination to kill John Connor. Today he’s in these low budget shitty movies, which in this case was produced by WWE Films.

If you think I’m joking about any of this I dare you to watch this film anytime it’s on. I’d say rent it but you would be wasting your money. You could also watch his other movie 12 Rounds where Cena plays a cop and his wife is kidnapped. LOL…I’m sorry I really did just laugh out loud because it’s practically the same movie only his characters name isn’t John. Hahahahaha I hate you John Cena hahahahaha!!!

Overall: D-

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