Saturday, March 20, 2010

Comic Book Movies: The Good, The Bad, and The Terrible

In the Iron Man 2 post a follower asked for my thoughts on several comic book movies and since these are my specialty I’m more than happy to oblige. Since 2000, there have been numerous comic book movies that have been created. Some of them were very good and some were dreadful. While I won’t discuss every single comic film I will touch upon most and let know the why they were great or why they sucked. Since I already discussed the Spider-Man and Iron Man franchises they will be left out.

1. Superman Franchise-I’d like to start here for one reason: There is so much pressure on this franchise it’s not even funny. In the eyes of many, Superman Returns (2006) was a disappointment. Not only was it was a failure for fans but for Warner Bros. executives as well. For the studio the film did not meet the box office numbers they had hoped for. I don’t really care about numbers. I care about the story and how it’s portrayed. In this case they dropped the ball. Why? THE FUCKING STORY WAS PRACTICIALLY THE SAME AS THE ORIGINAL SUPERMAN. Not that there was anything wrong with the original Superman. It was great for that time. But to use the same premise with the same damn villain is ridiculous. I don’t understand. I’m sorry but I’m SO tired of seeing Lex Luthor in this franchise. There are so many other villains in the Superman universe but they consistently go back to the same one. If he even shows up in the new movie and just sneezes I will lose it. (Note to everyone I am legitimately pissed about this…Keith, Tommy G, you know how I feel and agree.) I want to know what jack-ass moron gave the green light for that script because I'd love to smack that person then put them in the Sharpshooter. The writers also dropped the ball by giving Superman a son with Lois Lane! How were the they going to continue that bullshit angle if they didn’t reboot the franchise? And if they didn’t reboot it frankly there’s no need for him to have a son. That’s something you end a franchise with not start.
With all that said, I did like Bryan Singer as the director and I don’t think this was his fault. There were some good things about the movie. The CGI was very good, the movie had a decent flow to it, and the airplane scene was awesome, especially in 3D. But come on! Can anyone tell me the last time Superman threw a punch in any of these movies? I, we, need a real villain who will physically challenge the Man of Steel and re-establish the franchise. Hollywood had tried for years to make a new Superman but couldn’t agree on the script, on the actor, director, and all this other bullshit. (Did you know that Nicholas Cage was paid $20 million just to read the script? Look at the picture below and tell me a disaster was avoided.) Kevin Smith wrote a script but it was rejected because he wouldn’t cede to every demand of the studio. I would have loved if Smith did it. He’s a huge fan of the comic and would have stayed true to it. This is the problem with Hollywood. These big time executives want to control every single thing thus sucking all the creativity out of the film. I’m sorry I’m just so disgusted. Therefore, I am happy they are rebooting the franchise. All I’m saying is that they better deliver with a new villain and plot. If they don’t, then these shithead Hollywood morons would have ruined an American icon…no an international icon. Superman may have been created in the US but he’s just as recognized everywhere else in the world.
Have you ever seen anything as awful as this picture?
2. X-Men 3: The Last Stand: Where do I want to start with this mess? My main problem with this film was director Brett “Douche Bag” Ratner. In my opinion, this fuck-wad is the worst director in Hollywood and is a cancer to any film he touches. He takes a franchise that was roughly two-two and half hours long and cuts it down to a little more than an hour and a half. Uhhh McFly, you can’t do that! Then three of the major characters die. Again, why? Furthermore, you introduce new characters to the story and then barely put them in the film i.e.) Archangel, Colossus, Jaggernaut, etc. It’s just a recipe for disaster and it’s his entire fault for not putting any substance and heart into the film. He’s Hollywood’s go-to bitch who doesn’t care as long as he gets paid. Fuck him!

3. Batman Franchise- The first two Burton films were good and Nolan’s are excellent. As for Batman Forever and Batman and Robin I’ll say that Joel Schumacher was the biggest reason for the downfall in the franchise. Those two movies were extremely watered down and lacked heart. I didn’t mind Batman Forever because I felt that Jim Carey did do a good job as The Riddler and his chemistry with Tommy Lee Jones was somewhat complimentary so it kept me entertained. With that said both films set design were atrocious. They looked so fake and over the top that I couldn’t look past it. The costumes were less than stellar. If you can recall some genius thought it would be cool to put nipples on the Bat suit, which is flat out retarded. Val Kilmer and especially George Clooney were shitty Batman’s, and Arnold…look I can write a dissertation about how Arnold screwed up but let’s just say he sucked. The part where I lost faith in the franchise was when Val Kilmer stands up in the circus scene and screams, “Harvey! I’m Batman!” Worst. Line. Ever. The Batman character would NEVER say that. Thank God for the reboot and Christopher Nolan.

4. The Incredible Hulk- This franchise was rebooted rather quickly because the 2003 version directed by Ang Lee blew donkey dick. In Ang Lee’s version Banner doesn’t turn into the Hulk until an hour into the movie. Also, the shitty plot coupled with the bad dialogue made the movie very slow and uninteresting. There was no real villain to add excitement (fighting his father at the end doesn’t count). Plus, in the comics Bruce Banner hates that he turns into the Hulk. He wants to be free of the monster inside of him. In Lee’s version he loved it. After I saw the 2008 remake, I was satisfied. Ed Norton was very good. He played the character much like Bill Bixby did from the 1970’s show. A tortured soul desperately searching for a cure and some peace. Also, The Hulk looked much better than that swollen green giant we watched for two hours in 2003, they incorporated a villain The Abomination, and the overall story was more interesting.

5. The Punisher- Forget the 1980’s Dolph Lundgren version. The 2004 remake with Thomas Jane and John Travolta was one of the best Marvel movies created. It was true to the comic. It had vicious death scenes carried out by the killing machine known as Frank Castle aka The Punisher. Many critics and Hollywood executives consider this movie a flop because it didn’t do well in the box office. While that may be true, like I said before, I don’t consider if a movie is bad or good by the amount of money it makes. The script was very good, the story was depressing (which it should be), the acting was strong, and there was a lot of live action instead of CGI. This film is underrated. Talk to any true comic fan and they’ll tell you the same.

6. Fantastic Four 1 & 2 (a shit stain in the comic book movie world)- I was never a huge fan of the Fantastic Four but I did watch the cartoon growing up so I know the story. This franchise is a classic example of bad acting, a shitty script, and worse dialogue. Watching Jessica Alba act (as hot as she is) is like having my nails ripped off. It wasn’t interesting in any way. At the time of it release, Hollywood was just trying to crank out as many comic book movies as possible. This is a perfect example of a movie not having any heart.

7. Dare Devil- Not the worst of the bunch but certainly nothing to get excited about. At least the cast was credible with Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell (who played a good Bulls-Eye), and Michael Clarke Duncan. The CGI was cool looking.

8. Elektra- Shit!

9. X-Men Origins: Wolverine- I think it was better for the uninformed viewers rather than the true fans of Wolverine. I expected more but was content with what was delivered. I would have done things different in the storyline, but whatever. There was CGI in certain scenes when none was needed. For example, when he blows up helicopter with the bad guy in there. In the comics Wolverine would have stabbed that dude right in the fucking face, lit his cigar, and walked away. That’s badass. However, they went for the PG-13 rating and watered it down. There was also the bathroom scene when he pops out his claws and you can clearly see how bad the CGI is. They should have stuck with whatever Bryan Singer did. They looked very real.

10. Watchmen-If you can get past looking at a big blue cock for half the movie this film is awesome. The comic book has a huge following and I was happy that they stayed true to the story. Much different than the other comics on this list because it touched upon a real issue…The Cold War and the paranoia it created in the world. This is just an all around good movie that has great CGI, excellent dialogue, and very good actors. Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach was definitely the best part of this movie. Even though these super heroes were regular people without powers, with the exception of Dr. Manhattan, they were very badass and ruthless.

Comic books movies are very tricky to make because so much is at stake. This genre definitely has its up's and downs. Luckily, there have been good ones released in the last few years and I hope it continues that way. I know I left out certain movies. So if you are curious about a specific one please let me know.


  1. i have nothing to say about comic books. but as your sister growing up with you and your obsession with anything involving fighting and super hero powers and comic books, id say this is not only a great review but an accurate one at that!

  2. This review was so awesome! I love what you are doing here! Keep it up, man!